The New Girl

I desperately try not to let it show as I rub my damp palms together. Situations like this always create a nervous well in the pit of my stomach, causing my heart to race and words to leave my mouth with a stammer.  It just wouldn't do to exude anything but confidence and a cool calmness in this situation.  What will they think of me? I wonder, as I tuck a wayward strand of newly-highlighted blonde hair behind my ear.

 I plaster a smile on my face in an attempt to look friendly and eager, but not too eager, because that only conveys desperation.  I pass a mirror and glance subtly at the reflection there. My hair, is it acceptable? My make-up, too much? My smile looks fake, so I try a different one, a different curve of the mouth, maybe show more teeth. No, that's too much teeth.  I pass the mirror without pausing long. I don't want to appear self-conscious here. It is never a good idea to appear needy and insecure in a room full of women. Christian women, even.

I've had my experiences in such places. Some experiences have been wonderful. Some, not so.  What kind of women are these? The wonderful, or the not so? I've prepared myself for many possibilities, but there is only so much preparation one can do when meeting virtual strangers.  I stand in line and await my name badge, smiles all around. I give a sigh, a release of pent-up tension, when I realize that my choice of attire, a royal blue, light cotton summer dress paired with flats, blends right in.

I pay my dues to the friendly girl at the check-in table. Your seat is that way, she points and smiles, then quickly moves her attention to the next girl in line. Slowly I hang the name-badge around my neck and look around the room.

I feel it most then, as I stare at the large space full of decorated round tables and moms scurrying around, friends reuniting after a long summer break. I am not here to reunite with anyone. Everyone I knew I left behind at the last town...and the one before that.  My family is scattered through several states, my husband is working long hours at a new job, and I am a novice mom to a sweet year-old baby girl. 

It isn't in my nature to be outgoing or make friends easily. But I don't have a choice, unless loneliness and isolation are my goal.  Since they are not, I decided to take the plunge into this mom's group I had heard about. And here I am, all sweaty palms and racing heart and lopsided smile and stammering words.  But I take that first step, and then the next.

Feeling somewhat like I did on the first day of kindergarten, I approach my assigned table, sit in an open seat next to a girl about my age, and say,

Hi, I'm Ellen. What's your name?

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Joining a MOPS group was one of the best decisions that I, as a new mom, could have made.  My particular experience, having just recently moved to a new town, made it all the more important for me to locate a community of like-minded moms of preschoolers.  Many friends I made at that group are still friends today!

Over the course of 4 years, I have been involved in 3 MOPS groups. It is one of the first things I look for when moving to a new town.  MOPS has been a lifeline of community for me. For more information about MOPS, go here. 

My experiences being new in several different communities have placed a burden in my heart for others who are new and often far away from the support of family and friends. If you are in the position to help, and have a heart for the new girl,

here are some ways that you can help her adjust.

1. Be a friendly face.

Simply have a pleasant, friendly conversation. Ask her details about life, her family, her move and her transition.  Find out her needs and see if there are people you know who might be able to help her meet those needs. Give her an email or phone number to use if she has questions.

2. Make them a meal.

If this is something you can do, making a meal for a new family is extremely helpful. If you haven't moved in a while, you might not remember, but it is HARD. Not only physically, but emotionally, especially with young children, especially if there is no help involved, and especially if the move is not necessarily a wanted one. Even just sending a pizza to their house is helpful!

3. Invite them over.

If you have the space and resources, invite the new family over for a meal. I know the relief it is to feel social again when you are new in a community and have no established friendships.

4. Watch their kids.

A new family probably doesn't have access to babysitters like you do. Help them with childcare or refer childcare to them.  Unpacking a house with small children in tow can be tough!

5. Have/arrange a play date.

One of the things my oldest daughter struggled with the most was leaving her friends behind. Finding new friends her age has been hard. Joining a MOPS group has helped, but getting together with friends her age is a huge event for my 4 year old. Ask the new girl if they want to meet at a park or local play area.  Invite her and her kids to do VBS or chearleading camps.Invite them to community events. This will also help her to get to know the community and what is available for her and for her children. 

6. Ask their questions/send them information

Just do this: close your eyes and imagine that YOU are new in your town. What things would you like to know about? Is there a great little-known park nearby? Do you love your dentist? Have you found the dry-cleaner with the best rates in town? Is your OB wonderful? Let her know! Some of the small things can be the most disconcerting when moving to a new town. Imagine if YOU had to start all over again and just be helpful. She might not use all your suggestions, but it will be a great place for her to start!

7. Avoid being a friend snob.

You might have lived in your area for a while, or attended your church for years, or been a part of a group of girls who have been together a long time. You are close, you are well-connected, you are happy. And IN walks the new girl.  I only speak from personal experience here, but it is obvious when a group of girls is unwilling to let new friendships form.  You can not, and should not have to, be friends with everyone. But you DO have to be FRIENDLY with everyone. Eventually she will find the right friendships for her, but until then, be willing to allow new friendships into your circle. Invite her to girls' nights or bunko nights or women's retreats.  People by very nature, including myself, are mostly interested in their comfort. But there are new girls out there needing your friendship or the resources you might have to offer. Look around you! Be willing to step out of your comfort zone to include someone. She might not become your best friend. BUT... she might!

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, and we all have different needs when we move to a new town. I also am adamant that not one person can or should do ALL of these things for someone. If you can, great! If not, enlist your friends and resources to help out if they are able.  The only time you should help a new family is if you want to and feel led to. If you are in close proximity to a new family, such as in a mom's group or you are living right next door, remember that any bit of help is great. The idea is to help a new family feel connected and comfortable in the community.

If you have ever been new, what have people done to help you feel connected in your new place?

If you know a new girl, what are some things you could do to help her feel connected?